High School reunion

  My 50th  high school reunion is being held for 4 days. I am not going. This was no decision I took lightly. Actually, I had been pondering and contemplating for a long time. In the end, it was my subconscious in a dream that won out.  In the dream, I was attending my class reunion; everyone was happy to see me. I felt loved, and my presence was wanted. I was pleased, then a giant voice over stated, "This is an example of magical thinking." The voice was right. 

     I had zero chance of being popular in high school or even having friends.  I have two learning disabilities. The first one was dystexia. At the time, not much was known about it. God knows I didn't understand it. The second one is probably a result of brain trauma. I leave out words when I write. It's a type of aphasia; not much is known except that it is not found naturally.  I was also from a poor family, transplants from the hills of eastern Kentucky, which was a big deal in central Indiana.  The third strike against me is that I am gay. I didn't have much chance of being a good fit in high school. Still with my magical thinking, I kept trying..  I didn't figure out until much later in my 50s that you can't change people's opinion of you once it is set.  

  To be fair, I made a few friends from high school on Facebook after the fact, and I treasure them. They give me a connection to the past, something everyone needs.  I have reached out to tons more, all of whom I had a connection to with fairly pleasant memories.  No one replied back, and one even blocked me.

 Still, I feel actual sadness about not being part of the celebration.  With my magical thinking, they would grow and see me as I am now. Take me for who I am, but the truth is, most people go to high school reunions to relive what they perceive as a happy time in their lives.  They would go back to name-calling and body slamming me against lockers if they could, without thought that they were hurting another person. 

In homeroom in junior high school, I sat next to a girl with big brown eyes and a high, thin voice. Every day during home room, she would hiss the most disgusting thing under her breath. " You make me sick' "Don't look at me." "You're gross." You get the picture. One day, I had had enough and told her to shut up. She started crying. I was severely punished and humiliated by the teacher. I was embarrassed and ashamed.  She was getting comforted by the girls.  Years later, I went to the 20th HS reunion. There she was, of course, with my magical thinking, I thought she would feel some guilt. No, she was back to hissing nasty comments under her breath at me. Darn magical thinking. But remember those innocent eyes?  The guy behind me said, "What the hell happened to her? She looks like she would kill you in an alley." 

 Hope you have fun, RHS class of '75. Stay away from dark alleys